Understanding Attachment Theory, the basis of how we connect with others

Hello!

Today, we’re diving into a topic that is a personal favourite of mine. I find it fascinating and incredibly relevant to our everyday lives as it can be present in many of the interactions we have, and if we are thinking about analysing behaviour it is a relevant theoretical approach. It is also an area that I often specialise in when working with adults throughout the therapeutic journey. That’s right, it is attachment theory! Of course this blog is just going to give a brief overview and there is a lot of information out there if you would like to delve further into this. I highly recommend some of Diane Poole Heller’s work in this field, you can find here website here.  So, whether you’re curious about how you connect with others and your own attachment patterning or just looking to understand yourself and your relationships a bit better, this is for you.

So, what is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first developed by a psychiatrist named John Bowlby in the mid-20th century. He studied the way in which a child’s behaviour reflected the relationship they have with their caregiver. Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist also began to research the area of attachment. She looked at the way that children separate ad then reunite with their parents. She designed an experiment which highlighted this, known as the Strange Situation. If you are interested in learning more about this, a YouTube video explains it and can be found here, however a trigger warning this video does show a distressed baby. This research formed the basis of attachment theory as we know it today. Since Bowlby and Ainsworth, many people have contributed to the field of attachment, and there is a wealth of research in this area. Attachment theory essentially captures the relational bond that an infant has with their caregiver and how that informs the way that they anticipate their needs will or will not be met. Attachment theory explains how people form emotional bonds and in turn how these bonds shape our relationships throughout life. It is helpful to think about attachment as the way we connect with others and how these connections influence our sense of security and well-being. Our attachment style is like a “blueprint” or relational template that is wired into our brain, body and nervous system in early childhood. This blueprint gets started or activated in an unconscious way, so we don’t even necessarily know it is happening. When it gets activated, it can influence how we perceive, respond to and interact with others in all of our relationships. How does this apply to my life? Well, you may notice particular patterns in intimate relationships, friendships and even the relationships we have with our kids. Our attachment pattern creates a imprint for the way we connect with others, but it also impacts how we connect with ourselves and our own needs, the way we cope with emotions and the way that we respond to conflict in our lives.

Attachment Styles

Thought-out research conducted by people like Bowlby and Ainsworth, the attachment blueprints that people have and respond with was organised into four different classifications or groups. Just to make things confusing, there are some different names for attachment styles which you will notice if you do look at various authors. For example, different theorists classify attachment styles in a slightly different way. Bowlby’s research, along with later work by Mary Ainsworth, identified four main attachment styles (secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant). Whereas Diane Poole Heller, whose work I often refer to, uses the classifications of secure and insecure and within insecure attachment is the styles of avoidant, ambivalent and disorganised. So, depending on where you are accessing information you may see different attachment styles listed.

Regardless of what organisational system you subscribe to, essentially, these styles can help explain why we behave the way we do in relationships by putting typical attachment responses or behaviours into categories. I will use Poole Heller’s attachment styles for the purpose of this blog. Let’s break them down:

Secure Attachment

This attachment style is characterised by the ability to form trusting, meaningful and lasting relationships. What we will observe is that adults with this style of attachment are typically comfortable in seeking support from others and are able to share their feelings. When caregivers respond to our connection cues consistently and responsively and meet our physical and emotional needs we have the tendency to develop secure attachment. Adults with secure attachment tend to have a pretty healthy approach to dealing with conflict and a positive self-view.

If however, our caregivers ignore our needs, respond inconsistently or behave in a scary manner, our attachment system adapts to the mis-attuned experience by developing an insecure attachment style. These are classified as either avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized. Insecure attachment patterns are simply the response our brain and body use as a reaction to adverse conditions.

Avoidant Attachment

When caregivers are emotionally unavailable, insensitive, rejecting or neglectful to a child’s need for connection, the attachment system copes by disconnecting both physically and emotionally. This results in an avoidant style of attaching or connecting to others. A person with this pattern might value independence and be quite self-sufficient, have difficulty depending on others and find it hard to share their emotions. Trust might be quite hard for people with this attachment style.

Ambivalent Attachment

People with this attachment style experienced inconsistent, “on again, off again” caregiving in early childhood. Because of this lack of consistency, connection is considered a risk. The child is alert, searching for cues as to how their behaviour may or may not elicit a response. People with this style of attachment might dismiss their own needs. They often crave closeness and may worry about their relationships. They might seek constant reassurance and can become quite distressed when they feel unsure about their partner’s feelings.

Disorganised Attachment

This is a more complex attachment style. It forms when the attachment system gets tangled with the threat response. This can be understood as our fight/flight/freeze survival instinct. We usually can expect this style of attachment when the source of safety, which is often the primary caregiver, is also a source of fear or threat. We might see this more often in environments that are chaotic or abusive. A person with this style may present with a mix of both ambivalent and avoidant attachment styles. However underpinning this there is a constant source of threat related to connections, closeness or intimacy. Relationships and connections can feel threatening to a person with this attachment style.

How Attachment Styles Affect Our Lives

Understanding your attachment style can shed light on why you might react the way you do in relationships. For example:

-          Communication: If you have a secure attachment, you’re likely good at expressing your needs and listening to your partner’s needs. If you’re anxious or avoidant, you might find communication to be more challenging.

-           Conflict Resolution: Securely attached individuals typically handle conflicts constructively, while those with anxious or avoidant styles might experience more stress during disagreements.

-          Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction: Your attachment style can affect how you view yourself and your relationships. Securely attached people often have higher self-esteem and greater satisfaction in their relationships compared to those with anxious or avoidant styles.

Growing and Changing

The great news is that attachment styles are not fixed. Whilst attachment can form a blueprint or pattern of our interactional style, we might have different attachment patterns with different people or relationships in our life. While our attachment style will often stem from early experiences, people can and do change. Remember, attachment styles aren’t “good” or “bad”, they are ways that a person adapted and survived in their environment. So, even if we learned insecure attachment patterns in childhood, secure attachment is possible. One of the reasons that this change is possible is because we are biologically hardwired to connect and heal.

 With self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relationships, you can work towards a more secure attachment style. It’s all about learning more about yourself and finding ways to build stronger, healthier connections with others. Remember that our attachment patterns developed in relationship with another person, and so if we are wanting to work on our pattern it is really important to do the healing work in relationship with another person. This can be why therapy and the therapeutic relationship can be so very important when we are wanting to shift these patterns. You might be wondering how we work on attachment in therapy, and I am writing another blog post on that which will be coming soon. But one thing we can do is use the therapeutic relationship to work on attachment styles. Often a person’s attachment styles will become evident in the therapeutic relationship and we can work on the relational style, work on how a person feels in connection to another and learn important relational skills, like repair or setting boundaries. Conversely, there might be a time in therapy where an attachment pattern gets activated or triggered. An example of this could be if you emailed your therapist, and they did not respond in a way that you expected, maybe it wasn’t in the time that you would have preferred. If it is possible for you, having this conversation with the therapist can be a really powerful catalyst for the development of insight, some validation and possibly some repair. Sometimes validation and repair can be part of what was missing in childhood and be a powerful corrective experience. This is one of the reasons why I often advocate for being able to talk to our therapist about any feelings that can come up during the course of therapy. Often those strong feelings or responses can have a pattern or blueprint behind them and hence that might be why the reaction occurred.

If this is something you think you would like to work on, seek out an attachment-based therapist. These are professionals who are trauma informed, experts in attachment and have been trained in the process-oriented form of counselling which can help their clients better understand their relational trauma and guide healing from relational trauma. I will also be writing a blog post about how other modalities like Somatic Experiencing can be used with attachment wounding. As you read about the different attachment styles and the way they might appear differently in relationships, an appropriately qualified therapist can provide interventions that are sensitive to their needs based on their attachment style.

Final Thoughts

Attachment theory gives us a powerful lens to understand the dynamics of our relationships and ourselves. Our attachment style can be present in so many areas of our life.  By recognizing your attachment style and how it impacts your interactions, you can take steps towards healthier, more fulfilling connections. Remember, it’s a journey, and every step you take towards understanding and growth is a positive one!

Thanks for joining me on this exploration of attachment theory. I hope you found it interesting and that it helps you in your personal journey.